Finally have the time to sit down here in my own comfort little space to use my laptop, which have been abandoned for months. Life have been so chaotic recently, it's full of dramas and negativity, even though I tried my best to avoid it. Just numbing myself with things I think that I can, constantly trying to keep myself sane. All these constant nightlife is killing me, thanks to all the alcohol, cigarettes and also the lack of sleep. But again, I guess it's the only thing keeping me going. The only place I can seek happiness and excitement from. Not sure if am I getting better or just getting worse, but it doesn't matter either, as long as I'm feeling fine. 

This fucking emptiness n loneliness will be the end of me. So sick of feeling this way. I thought I had everything in control, but no, everything's getting out of hand, and I'm just here watching my world fall apart.  

I knew this was going to happen, so I'm not blaming you for anything you've ever did. I wasn't angry either. I should be, but I'm not. Instead, I felt pain, a lot of pain. And the worst part was I thought that I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong. 

Miss blogging so much. It's really a space for me to rant n spill everything out without having the thought that I'd bore or annoy anyone. 

So much things have changed, and I'm still trying my best to pull myself together after that incident. This darkness is ruining every goddamn thing I have in my life. Fuck feelings, fuck people, fuck emotions, just fuck it. 

just feel like deactivating my twitter

deleting my whatsapp

leaving my phone aside

just wanna disappear 

i hate this world and the people here

Still the best space for me to pen down my thoughts.

So damn empty these days, to the extent I don't even feel any sadness or happiness.

Just trying my best to stay fine. 

People come and go, I guess I shouldn't be so affected.

But well, who cares at the end of the day? No one fucking will.

Hate feeling lonely, but I guess I'm used to feeling this way.

So much hatred for this world. Never will I let my guard down again.

Wish I could drown myself in sea to have my heart ceased.

Totally miss my old self. 

Disappointment, that's what I am for the past few months.

Guilt and frustration is overwhelming me, indeed more and more as time passes.

Why did I even tried killing these emotions and feelings inside me.

At the end of the day, it still comes back to haunt.

I am so fucking sorry.
Thanks for trying to put me together, thanks for having faith in me.
I failed you, all of you.